The Biggest Mistake You Can Make When Communicating With People
March 27, 2024

Hi, it’s Fliss.

 

In today’s insight, I want to share with you the worst advice I’ve ever been given, and explain to you why that is the tenant, the beginning, of everything that The Ultimate Advantage has been founded upon. 


That advice: to speak to people how I would wish to be spoken to. That was taught to me by my lovely mum who was very wise and has given me no end of good advice all the way through my life. But in this case, sadly, she is horribly wrong. And all of us who were taught that have been led to believe that we need to bring empathy to our communication, but that speaking to someone how we would wish to be spoken to is absolutely flex enough. 


And my message to you all today is actually we need to speak to people how
they would wish to be spoken to. Otherwise it’s the equivalent of getting off the Eurostar, stepping foot on French soil and shouting loudly and slowly in English - then getting frustrated when people don’t understand what you’re saying to them. The onus is on us for our communication to be a win:win, to be successful. The onus is on us for our message to land. It’s our responsibility to be understood. It’s no one else’s. 


Everything that we do at The Ultimate Advantage is around helping our clients to understand what’s going on for them, what filters stand between them and the truth, to start to see those in other people. And then to learn the language dexterity and fluency to be able to adapt their style quite subtly, more often than not, but adapt it enough that they can ensure their message lands exactly as they intend. 


So that’s it, a really quick one today: don’t speak to people how you would wish to be spoken to, speak to them how
they would wish to be spoken to. Flex, adapt. Take responsibility for how your message lands – and do let me know how that lands with you. As always in the comments below, I would love to know whether you’ve also had that advice (or whether you’ve had any worse advice). Do share, I’ll speak to you soon, thanks so much. 


Meet the Author

As one of the UK's leading experts in the applied psychology of language, Fliss has helped Boards, leadership teams, and c-suite executives from across the world to communicate with influence, integrity, and impact. A psycholinguist, voice dialogue, and NLP Practitioner, Fliss is also trained in influence and persuasion, and behavioural psychology, and is a certified empowerment coach and trainer. Fliss heads-up The Ultimate Advantage, a dedicated language and communications mastery coaching and training consultancy, as well as Zen Communications, a successful PR and content agency. She regularly speaks on all aspects of compelling communication and is a popular podcast guest.

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By Felicity Wingrove August 13, 2024
Storytelling is certainly a powerful art - both in the creation of intentional stories released into the world to entertain, enthuse, or inspire, and in the internal dialogue which has evolved to keep each of us safe. But it also holds significant weight as an effective corporate communication tool… We recently shared our insights about the importance of determining your truth in amongst the truth when it comes to the tales we tell ourselves as a response to the world around us. But once this has been mastered, storytelling can help you to further connect and engage – whether at Board level or communicating with your entire workforce.
By Felicity Wingrove July 10, 2024
From early childhood we’re taught the ancient art of storytelling. We start with ‘once upon a time’ and end with ‘happily ever after’, and we carry on telling ourselves stories as we grow and step into the world around us. But they don’t always serve us well. And that’s in large part because we’re each so unique and we view the world through our own personal stained-glass window sunglasses. Each pane of glass has been shaped and coloured by our own lived experiences, the culture in which we were raised, and the many ‘truths’ we’ve been taught along the way. And these impact how we interpret, respond and react to the stories we’re told, and that we tell ourselves. We read into a person’s intent, decipher what they ‘really’ mean, or work to sense what’s coming next. It’s all perfectly natural and it’s ultimately how our brain has evolved to keep us safe, but it’s rarely the truth and very much more often our truth. Take a lunch with friends as an example. Imagine walking into the restaurant and seeing them all together over the other side of the room, laughing and having a great time. You walk towards them and as soon as they see you, they fall quiet and look a bit awkward. You could make that behaviour mean that they were talking about you, or that they were planning a surprise birthday party for you. Neither may be the whole truth but just think about how you’d act if you believed either of those stories, how your friends would respond, and how the end of that lunch might look and feel… So few of us realise that our inner narrative doesn’t come from a neutral place, instead, just like our stained-glass sunglasses, it’s moulded by our experiences, self-image, and personal filters. And this is ever-applicable in the corporate world too. Two individuals receiving the exact same email, can have wildly different interpretations, and that comes down to their filters and how they read or process it. When we assume the intent behind a message based on our inner storytelling narrative, it absolutely impacts our response to that message. Our reaction may be defensive, potentially leading to a negative exchange that may have been completely unnecessary in reality. So always pause. And bring conscious awareness to anything that a communication (regardless of its form) brings up for you, and then ask yourself if the messaging you took from it was the truth, or was it your truth?

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